Golden Globes: as it happened

The speeches remain deathly. We are ageing. I was 39 at the beginning of the evening. I will pass my half century by 11pm.

03.47 GMT (22.47 EST) Best actor, motion picture (drama). George Clooney scoops it for quietly winning performance in The Descendants. “Wow,” he says. Nice to catch up with Brad (Pitt), he says: great for his work in film and the world, he says. Full-frontal nudity praise lavished on Michael Fassbender (for Shame). Thanks Alexander Payne, the director. What a boring, fast award and speech. The awards have the same feel as the conveyor belt of the Generation Game.

03.41 GMT (22.41 EST) The dog is stealing “le award moment” with back rolls. Wonderful speech by producer Thomas Langmann dedicated to his father who won an Oscar in 1965, couldn’t afford to come to the ceremony, and died two years ago.

03.40 GMT (22.40 EST) Jane Fonda - wow, check her out, the slinky python of dreams - awards best movie (comedy/musical) to The Artist.

03.37 GMT (22.37 EST) Meryl Streep in cowboy shirt thing, simple ponytail. Fabulous. She’s forgotten her glasses for her speech. Glenn, Viola, Michelle, Rooney, Gilda (Tilda), and she thanks many others not even nominated. “Any one of these performances in any given year would have been a standout...which is good news for all of us.” Serious, challenging movies “are like rare exotic birds,” she notes. Meryl thanks her agent Kevin Huvane and God, Harvey Weinstein, the punisher - Old Testament, I guess.

03.33 GMT (22.33 EST) “Nearly there, nearly there,” says Ricky, speaking for us all. “What you don’t know about him is he’s totally racist and punched a blind kitten in the face.” Very funny. The camera naturally panned to the cast of The Help on the mention of race. Yawn, lazy. Best actress - a biggie. Meryl wins it for The Iron Lady. Glenn Close smiling through her pain.

03.26 GMT (22.26 EST) Jean Dujardin wins best actor in a comedy/musical for The Artist. And so The Artist picks up steam for the Oscars. It’s fun and gorgeous and you do indeed lose yourself in its whimsy and gorgeousness. But you know, “charming” is just charming and what else? It’s late, we mustn’t get whiny. His eyebrows are indefinite he says, and he fights for his dreams. Thanks his director for writing the role for him, thanks the Weinsteins, and then says something profane and gets bleeped. We love him anyway.

03.18 GMT (22.18 EST) Modern Family wins best comedy TV series. As it always does. Bet Sofia va-va vooms and says something indistinguishable. “Buenas noches,” she says...and introduces the acceptance speech in two languages, with Steve Levitan, executive producer. Kind of funny, kind of not. I wonder if everyone really does love one another on the set of that show. “Bloody Vergara’s on the cover of the magazines again,” is the mutter every morning I reckon at the tea urn

03.15 GMT (22.15 EST) Scorsese is thanking people. Brian and I are still cackling meanly about Angelina’s arms. Mwah hahaha. Boring speech, so cackling necessary. Gervais is preparing to intro Salma Hayek and Antonio Banderas - whatever he says gets bleeped out. Not so good this year, Ricky. The sting has been neutralised. You’ve got 45 minutes to take ‘em dahhnnn.

03.13 GMT (22.13) “The humourless Angelina Jolie”, says Brian, as she prepares to present best director to Martin Scorsese (Hugo). “Dear Angelina, Haven’t heard from you in a while. Love, Sandwich,” says Brian. We cackle like big old gays.

03.04 GMT (22.04 EST) Morgan Freeman’s acceptance speech. To Helen Mirren, on filming Red: “Watching you handle a gun makes me know I never want to p**s you off.” Getting the award from Poitier means it will be known as the Sidney Poitier award (as well as the Cecil B De Mille award). He’s played God, the President, he’s driven Miss Daisy, he says. It’s said that if you enjoy what you do, it’s not work. “If that’s the case I’ve not worked in 45 years,” he says. Restrained, gracious.

02.59 GMT (21.59 EST) Helen Mirren has had a couple of glasses of wine and complains she’s only been in one of Morgan Freeman’s films. Helen is not being funny, she’s going on about driving on the wrong side of the road. Morgan not amused.

02.57 GMT (21.57 EST) Sidney Poitier...pauses...magisterially...in...a...manner...fantastically...ill-befitting...21st century...primetime...television...as...he awards...Morgan Freeman...with...a lifetime achievement...award...may...your journey...be...long...and...your...characters...continue...to...multiply...

02.55 GMT (21.55 EST) Reese Witherspoon has forgotten her dress. She’s come as a Playboy bunny and has “electric-mains” hair.

02.47 GMT (21.47 EST) Octavia Spencer wins best film supporting actress for The Help. Great speech, rushed and nervous and worries she might fall off her heels. Quotes from Martin Luther King’s “All labour has dignity” speech”. Good, and she is responsible for one of the most delicious revenge scenes in film this year - which we will not ruin if you haven’t seen The Help.

02.45 GMT (21.45 EST) Matt LeBlanc wins best actor in TV comedy for Episodes, delivers a monotone, nasal speech which he puts down to nerves. He especially thanks the writers who “write a Matt LeBlanc who is way more interesting than the real thing.” Awww, but on the basis of tonight: yes. Still got it, though.

02.34 GMT (21.34 EST) Dustin Hoffman looks so annoyed. “Without the encouragement of my wife and agent I would not be up here announcing this award” (for best actress, TV drama). Claire Danes wins for Homeland: third win and third nomination for her. Pretty darn good. Very popular winner. She is “deeply grateful” to her parents, husband Hugh Dancy too. Quaking voice, heartfelt. She first won for My So Called Life, a teen drama yet to bettered. Memories of Jordan Catalano. Meanwhile, more importantly, Brian has demanded we eat some salad. “The chips and hummus situation is out of control. We need roughage at our age.”

02.33 GMT (21.33 EST) Oh, she was presenting an award. A Separation wins best foreign film; its director says the Iranian people are “loving”.

02.31 GMT (21.31 EST) Madonna livens things up. Hoofreakingrah, “If I’m just like a virgin, why don’t you come over and do something about it,” she says to Ricky Gervais. Then, reaclling her MTV Britney and Christina lip-lock, she says: “I haven’t kissed a girl in a few years...on TV.” Great payoff. Who could that lucky lady be in private? Hooray, Madge’s sexuality is back in the guessing game ballpark. Because of her. Phew.

02. 24 GMT (21.24 EST) Best Screenplay. Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris. He ain’t there, and his message: Thanks Hollywood Foreign Press Association. Brilliant. William H Macy and Felicity Huffman steal the show with a musical introduction to best supporting actress in a TV series... The award goes to Jessica Lange for American Horror Story. An odd but not terrible, backless body-con dress. Gracious speech, with a neat tinge of hippy-dippiness. Yeah, that’s it,” she says in conclusion. The show is going through a somnambulant phase. I think Ricky needs to tell a gay Hollywood star/scientology joke. Now.

02.10 GMT (21.10 EST) Best supporting actor in TV mini-series. If Tim Robbins has had work, it has worked. Great skin, Tim. Peter Dinklage wins Game of Thrones. Brian claps. “I haven’t seen it, I’m just glad it’s not Modern Family, I’m done with them.” Dinklage asks us to Google someone called “Martin Henderson in England”. Obediently, I did. It says he was an actor in The Ring. I hope I got the right one.

02.01 GMT (21.01 EST) Yes, yes, yes. Michelle Williams deservedly wins best actress for My Week With Marilyn. In a quaking voice she says, “I consider myself a mother first and actress second.” Thanks her daughter, “whose bravery and exuberance is the example I take in my work and life...thanks for sending me off to work with a hug and kiss.” Williams read to her every night in a Marilyn Monroe voice. Awww...Michelle Williams is just wonderful. Debates about tonight’s “headband” will be conducted by finer minds.

02.00 GMT (21.00 EST) Enter Seth Rogen and Kate Beckinsale. “Hello I am Seth Rogen and I am currently trying to conceal a massive erection.” Line of the evening. Very good. Naughty, mucky but perfect.

02.00 GMT (21.00 EST) Brad Pitt’s beard still shows signs of dangerous eccentric growth. Can anyone believe The Ides of March is up for best film? It is a series of scenes in which people say, “We need to do something”, “Politics is a game”. And no plot.

01.58 GMT (21.58 EST) Best performance by an actor in a mini-series: Brit Idris Elba for Luther. “Wow.” Thanks his loyal fans. Dustin Hoffman looks annoyed. More thanks for the BBC “faaammily”. He’s wearing trainers and says hello to his family. Love Idris.

0150 GMT (20.50 EST) Madonna wins for original song, for Masterpiece in W.E. She says it’s a surprise, but it’s the first time she turned up at the Globes since 1998. Hmmm. Nice arms. She sounds ever so Downton. Anyway good for her: the film ain’t great, so at least she got this. Harvey Weinsten is “the punisher” she says. Madonna sounds distracted. No swearing. Very proper.

0147 GMT (20.47 EST) A great Frenchy “ooooh yeeesss, I won” fist-pump for the winner of best score for The Artist. Frenchy accent. E’s ‘appy. Something about tap dance numbers.

0138 GMT (20.38 EST) Homeland wins best TV series (drama). It’s the one you had to watch this season; Claire Danes brilliant as a CIA officer with a tangled past. You probably didn’t watch it, because you were watching The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Ooops. Boxset. Now.

0137 GMT (20.37 EST) Kelsey Grammer, best actor in a mini-series for Boss, sounds very stately. “I just want to thank my wife Kate.” Brian says: “Oh look, another young wife for Kelsey Grammer. “Yeeeees: what does Camille think?

0135 GMT (20.35 EST) “We’re five minutes over,” admonishes Gervais. “You don’t need to mention your family. They haven’t done anything. Thank the only two people who matter: God and your agent.Both have had exactly the same amount of input into my career.” Referring to Melissa McCarthy who defecates into a sink in Bridesmaids, Gervais tells the assembled they have done much worse to advance their own careers.

01.34 GMT (20.34 EST) Jake Gyllenhaal and autocue. Bad combo. Jake is very hot though, so who doth care?

01.27 GMT (20.27 EST) Kate Winslet wins best actress in a mini series for Mildred Pierce. Now what’s she wearing: curvy in black top and white skirt. Gorgeous. “She’d be fun to get drunk with,” says Brian. She’s breathless but not off her rocker, unfortunately - no “gathering” needed tonight. Booo... Thanks Todd Haynes, the director. Thanks production company HBO for being “present” and “absent” at the right moments. “I share this with (her children) Mia and Joe who light up my every day...I’m so proud to be their mum”.

01.23 GMT (20.23 EST) “How fabulous this all is,” says Julian Fellowes’s, Downton creator. The cast join him on stage. “I thank the audience because it’s the audience that make the success.” Yes, well, actually, it’s all about Dame Maggie really innit? And O’Brien and her coiled hair.

01.22 GMT (20.22 EST) Downton Abbey wins best mini-series. Small grouch: we’re missing it tonight to blog this.

01.21 GMT (20.21 EST) Rob Lowe has been tangoed and left on a low grill for 42 years. Julianne Moore looks like she’s been deep-frozen. Great colour contrast, kids.

01.16 GMT (20.16 EST) Laura Dern beats Amy Poehler and Tina Fey for actress in TV Comedy/Musical for Enlightened. Great green beaded dress and a lovely, ebullient speech. And that’s it: with nice shout-out to mother. Ashton Kutcher, presenting prizes, has had a haircut and it looks good. There, how’s that for “news”.

01.12 GMT (20.12 EST) Best Supporting Actor - Christopher Plummer for Beginners, a wonderful performance in a wonderful film in which he played the gay dad of Ewan McGregor’s character. “I must praise my distinguished competitors...to whom I apologise profusely.” He praises his “wily” co-star Ewan McGregor, “that scene-stealing swine”. “A 21-gun salute” goes to Michael Mills (writer/director of the film). Plummer finishes by thanking “Elaine, my wife of 43 years...whose bravery and beauty haunts me still”.

01.06 GMT (20.06 EST) “The only way that Justin Bieber could have impregnated someone if he used one of Martha Stewart’s old turkey basters.”

01.04 GMT (20.04 EST) Gervais continues: “The Hollywood Foreign Press Association has warned me that if I offend any of you...or cause any controversy whatsoever...they’ll invite me next year.” He said he had been presented with a list of rules. “No profanity. That’s fine, I have a huge vocabulary. No nudity - shame, I’ve got a huge...vocabulary...but a tiny penis. I don’t care...it works, it’s fine.” He said he had been told not to libel Mel Gibson, especially in relation to Jodie Foster’s “beaver”. Said Gervais: “I haven’t seen it, nor have many guys here.” Jodie reaches sportingly for her glass before the payoff, then looks askance. Elton John looks doleful. Yes, Ricky is back. But a little tempered...

01.03 GMT (20.03 EST) Drum rolls. And here’s Ricky Gervais. “So, where was I? Nervous? Don’t be. This isn’t about you. Tonight you get Britain’s biggest comedian, hosting the world’s second biggest awards on America’s third biggest network.” The Golden Globes are the Oscars without the “esteem”. Goooooo on.

00.54 GMT (19.54 EST) The show needs to begin to avoid more of the following. Says E! host Guiliana Rancic to Elle Macpherson: “You are so gorgeous, it’s so insane, you get better every year.” Elle Macpherson: “I get HAPPIER every year.” What’s your favourite body-part?” says Rancic. “My heart,” says Elle. That is the sound of a thousand drills being pounded into my head. Ricky! Ricky! Come in Ricky!

00.48 GMT (19.48 EST) Brian and I both decide that Mark Wahlberg is hot. Very hot. He’s just kind of craggy and “so American, he’s the new John Wayne,” says Brian (on to his third glass of red). “Actually he’s better than that. He produces and stuff.” But has anyone located George Kotsiopolous yet? Does George know I am here, and ready? Jessica Alba is insipidly blabbing about mermaids and her dress. How important is the dress tonight Ryan asks. “I don’t know,” says Jessica. Oddly honest and brilliant.

00.42 GMT (19.42 EST) Madonna and Andrea Riseborough looking all wowy. “Playboy playboy,” says Madonna. Madonna is beaded and metallic on top, feathery on the skirt. Madonna sounds Briddish still. Andrea Riseborough, who plays the Duchess of Windsor in W.E, Madonna’s film, says she wasn’t intimidated by acting under Madge’s aegis. Madonna won’t dish on her Superbowl song plans, but says she’s got “12 minutes and 40 seconds” for the performance of a lifetime. Madonna’s face is very smooth and, as Brian says chomping on crisps and hummus (if you need hummus, you may find us selling it on 7th Ave tomorrow), “Girl looks good.”

00.27 GMT (19.27 EST) Michelle’s dress is actually gorgeous. Who says this is “not news”? Really, you’re on the wrong blog. Go to a 24-hour news channel, an obscure one and let the rest of us be SILLY (we’ll be serious again in a few hours). The cameramen are wolf-whistling Mila Kunis. She loves it. Flesh tones are in: Kate Beckinsale (skinny and then some more skinny) is in a slinky flesh-toned gown. “Flesh tones are in this evening,” says Rancic. Tell that to Natalie Portman who is in a gorgeous cherry satin gown. Uh-oh Nicole Kidman’s breasts are barely contained in her odd dress; and Reese Witherspoon is strapless red, boobs-about-to-pop-out Zac Posen frock looks like she’s off to a local bar for some “strip-pool”. What, you haven’t played that before? It’s fun!

00.23 GMT (19.23 EST) Brad and Angelina appear with Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet, breaking the Glee and Modern Family monopoly in fairly dramatic style. Brad graciously says he knows “how hard she (Angelina) worked on the film (Bosnian War drama In The Land of Blood and Honey). It’s nice that everything comes together. It’s a golden night for us.” Angelina - who is all about scarlet tonight, on the lips and with that slash of material at the neck - says the material of the film was “very difficult, done in a foreign language and not with anyone who anyone knows”. But it “needed to be made”, she says, “we pushed forward and made it”.

00.19 GMT (19.19 EST) Oh good, two sour-faced old moos stalk the red carpet. Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart look like they’re being forced down to Budgens to buy some Doritos for a really boring house party. Lemons. Sucking. Major.

00.15 GMT (19.15 EST) Michelle Williams is wearing a lace thing and a headband. I love Michelle. Basically, I want us to kind of read in the park and giggle on hot summer days, but i’m not sure about the headband. Charlize Theron has laryngitis. She’s wearing jewels that are “museum pieces from Geneva” - just as we all do darling. No H Samuel round ‘ere.

00.07 GMT (19.07 EST) Jane Lynch towers above Ryan. It’s a wonderful sight. Brad and Angelina are here. Brad opened the car door for her. “It’s a great day on the red carpet,” says a delirious Ross Matthews on E! The glam-cam is spinning drunkenly around all the stars. I think Angelina’s neck has a bit of red wrapping paper (stiff) around it. Brad has long hair and looks studly. Oh, can we call a moratorium on tattoos: call it a judgmental gene bubbling deep inside me, but tattoos ruin posh frocks. They look cheapen any thousand dollar ruffle. Evan Rachel Wood is blowing everyone away in feathers and beads. Gorgeous. This from your correspondent in cords and a cardy, whose idea of fashion is “not dedicated” as a friend once observed.

00.01 GMT (19.01 EST) The Modern Family PRs are working HARD. They keep turning up for interviews on E! Charlize Theron, wonderfully malevolent in Young Adult, is looking very frozen of face. Viola Davis is wearing a red off the shoulder dramatic sheath dress. Matthew Morrison from Glee won’t dish on the much-hyped “revolutionary” direction the show is about to take - as its young lead characters prepare to leave school. Zooey Deschanel is working a big, shaggy Cathy McGowan do.

23.47 GMT (18.47 EST) The cameramen cheer Sofia Vergara of Modern Family. “She says: “Allthemodernefamilyarehere” in that foghorn South American burr. Sofia is stitched tightly into her dress, so tightly she has “a team of men” to carry her around. Unfortunately, Julie Bowen, her co-star, in a far less va-vavoom frock appears next to her and - sorry - suffers in comparison. The best news is Brian has bought really posh hummus. The tiramisu is from Wholefoods. GET US. Like I said, Meryl schmeryl.

18.50 Rooney Mara, lead actress nominee, is a beautiful collision of angles and more angles. Long, sweeping dresses are the order of the evening - Nina Ricci designed Mara’s. She chose it for its simplicity.

23.40 GMT (18.40 EST) Buffy is back. Sarah Michelle Gellar is wearing a beautiful blueprint gown. Rooney Mara is in dramatic black with hair that looks like a chimney broom splayed out at the back. Very angular and scary though - suddenly remembered that torture scene. E! is ridiculous: everyone LOVES everyone. Josh Brolin and Diane Lane talk about their new film, Cinema Verite, about reality TV and its deleterious effects on a family. But they’re talking to Ryan Seacrest, executive producer of a whole bunch of such shows, so they talk about dresses instead.

23.35 GMT (18.35 EST) Chastain is overjoyed to be at her first Globes as a nominee for The Help. Ariuel Winter, the child star of Modern Family, is wearing Dolce and gabbana. Nicole Richie is wearing Julien McDonald - a very heavy silver dress. Sofia Vergara is busting out all over in a strapless black gown. The big mystery of the night is Kelly Osbourne’s hair - grey, purple and odd: is she in her 20s or her 70s? The GlamCam is spinning round and round, it’s insane. Shailene Woodley from The Descendants is wearing a froofy, fairytale Marchesa gown. She says that acting opposite Clooney was like “being a kid in a playground” in The Descendants.

23.28 GMT (18.28 EST) The good news is my friend Brian has arrived and has demanded wine. Brian is an actor and brilliant (book him for Shakespeare but not children’s parties at briansills.com). He rightly just cautioned Melissa McCarthy, mulling with Ryan Seacrest a sequel to Bridesmaids: “Don’t do it darling. It was a great film. Don’t make a bad sequel.” First fashion weirdness of eve: Jessica Chastain, with swept-up do, is channelling Lee Remnick a la Omen. It works!

23.15 GMT (18:15 EST) Clooney says: “I predict I will not win four (awards). I will be a pretty big loser. The truth is, this is a fun night and I get to be around all my friends.” What will Clooney do later? “Get face-down drunk.” Clooney says the great thing about the Golden Globes is that it dissolves the “pecking order” between TV and film. “It’s also fun because people get hammered and give really funny speeches.” He agrees with Gervais’s joke (“He’s let himself go”). “I have,” roars George. Looking AMAZING. Oh the dog from The Artist is standing on his hind legs. Jean Dujardin, from The Artist, is all Gallic....hotness.

23.06 GMT (18.06 EST): So, what will Ricky Gervais do? Will his brilliant character eviscerations of last year be bettered? He said of last year: “If you get final [say] — and I do — and you’re happy with what you’ve done, you’re bulletproof… I stand by every joke I did last year. I don’t care what people think.” Tonight he tweeted a weird pic of “not-him” getting ready - Christopher Guest sent him a grotesque picture of a weird guy. E just asked Gervais live what will he be doing tonight? “Well I thought they blew it out of proportion last year - you usually have to murder someone to get that many column inches. I’m not gunning to ruin anyone’s night, but...I never mean to offend, I just happen to - it’s something about me.” The camera alights to silver fox George Clooney arriving. “George who?” says Gervais, “he’s let himself go, hasn’t he?” Oh good, he’s limbering up.

22.50 GMT (17.50 EST) Giuliana has unveiled the 360 degree “glam cam” - which is a weird thing where celebs will start to get their outfits analysed. Kelly is wearing Zac Posen - for some reason she is still doing the grey thing. George is wearing Dolce and Gabbana (red velvet swoon).

22.46 GMT (17.46 EST) The talk is of the first appearance of Madonna on the red carpet since 1998 when she presented Best Actor to Jack Nicholson. She’s coming tonight. E! - we love E, or I love E!: Chelsea Lately, The Soup and Fashion Police keep me regular on E! - anyway, E! are speculating madly on who will be wearing what on the red carpet. Dresses maybe! With bustles! Kelly Osbourne, Giuliana Rancic and (TT crush) George Kotsiopoulos are all just giggling and snarking as they do on Fashion Police. If the outcome of the evening could be that George becomes my squeeze, then it will have been a successful evening indeed. Any suggestions on how to match-make me and George all welcome. Forget all that Meryl stuff. Blah blah. It’s all about George.

22.44 GMT (17.44 EST) Hello, welcome to The Times Golden Globes blog! It’s cold in New York, very cold as we watch the entertainment channel E! and later NBC, and basically eat bad food and giggle with whoever is up and with us. Please join us. Otherwise it’s just me, an echo chamber and enough hummus to coat my apartment walls.